I am writing a memo.
To: Governor Rick Perry
From: The State of Texas
Subject: Conclusive Findings from the Committee on State Biological Heritage (CSBH)
Since 1845, the State of Texas has remained an ethnic and gender-neutral entity, assuming the identity of the greater, contiguous United States. Whereas the State of Texas may seek succession from the Union, it is imperative that the state adopts an independent identity, specifying an ethnicity, gender, and sexual orientation.
Consequently, on January 9, 2011, a non-partisan committee consisting of 11 representatives from various jurisdictions within the state convened to conduct heavy genealogical and historical research. The body would like to report that after an extensive, exhaustive six-month review, it has reached a definitive finding:
The State of Texas is, indeed, a Gay Mexican.
Upon such a conclusion, this body highly encourages the following action items, effective immediately:
- Halt such proceedings as the August 6th day of Prayer and Fasting, sponsored by the American Family Association. And get over yourself, girlfriend!
- Resurrect Ann Richards, the 45th Governor of Texas, from the dead and permanently ordain her as presidente y muy fabulosa!
- Usurp Davy Crockett’s raccoon hat as an official state souvenir. This is an independent proposal strongly recommended by the body as witnessing large, European tourists putzing about with stuffed raccoons on their respective heads is just, like, really, really stupid, y’all.
- Consider formally changing the name of the State of Texas to Alejandro, Fernando, and/or Roberto. Just don’t call (us) our (original) name.
- Allow for the open flow of immigrants and emigrants at US Customs and Border Patrols in Laredo and El Paso, replacing the loud blares of “This is the United States Border Patrol” emanating from stationary speakers to a constant rotation of “Borderline” by Madonna.
- Again, zing.
- Tell your wife Anita we say, “Haaaayyyyyyyyy!”
El Republico del Tejas
Editor’s Note: This is not a real memo.
Editor’s Note: If you are gay, Mexican, or a Gay Mexican who is offended by this piece – my deepest apologies. Let me buy you a martini.
Editor’s Note: If you are a generic Texan, Republican, or a generic Texas Republican who is offended by this piece – I could give a flying rat’s ass. Why don’t you buy me a martini?