I am writing a book.
As I sat on the bus this morning, I came to the conclusion that I must chase after my girlhood dream of publishing a book – namely a premature memoir that will bring revolutionary wisdom unto the world. It will extrapolate heavy philosophical and near-Biblical revelations from the stories of my formative years. It will relay insights so profound in publication that, inevitably, I will be considered a viable GOP presidential candidate among other positions of negligible political power (i.e. City Comptroller). It will elucidate, it will expound, it will launch my seventeen day marriage to the Heiress of the La Quinta fortune.
Ergo, I have begun the production of said book the way that most pieces of classic, canonical literature have been conceived: By writing a series of possible titles and choosing a cream color pallette as the backdrop of the cover. Mmmm, Cornsilk.
- Choosing laundry over sex: A lifetime of counterintuitive productivity and neatly folded underwear.
- Eating exceptionally crunchy saltines during a particularly intense meeting: A memoir.
- Grab somebody sexy, tell them hey: Vicarious dreams for my children, as told by major recording artist, Pitbull. And a few puns!
- If the crotch of your sweatpants feels particularly restricting, indeed they are on backwards: Elucidations from a Sunday morning.
- Collisions with colleagues as you cradle a decadent Spongbob Square Pants Piñata in public: On character building and alliteration.
- Sea otters: Marine mammal friend, grade-school resemblance foe. How to rear your children away from gawkiness and toward social success!